Everybody Cheats-VI

The call came when I was collecting her clothes from Sheila’s living room. My shrink.. Blah blah, how can I miss a fixed appointment, it’s so difficult to fit me this week. I was not listening; nothing was being registered from cell phone to my brain cells. Next day 11 am sharp she gave me time.

Doc- Actually I scheduled some psychometric tests for you.. but since you missed it , Arvind wont come today and..

Me- …. ‘she’ was in kitchen when I entered the apartment. Her clothes were still lying around all over. She was making coffee for herself. Just one cup. She was so sure that I wont come back?..... err, no am sorry doc, had this urgent meeting at office.

Doc- [ she checking the file] ok,  see though you keep denying there is no guilt factor  with you, but I do sniff some, but the point is..

Me- …..’she’ looks at me from the kitchen. Her hair loose on her back. I love her this pose with leg bent at knee and she standing. ….. Well doc, I never said I don’t have any guilt, I said I really don’t know.

Doc- No, the point I was making is what you have here, well…The various psychoses involve deficits in the autonomous ego functions and…

Me- ….’She has nothing in fridge’, she said softly. Does that mean we are planning to skip dinner tonight? Order pizza? We go out to a restaurant? How she is so sure I came back to spend the night with her here?..... Ummm, doc does that mean I am an egoist?

Doc- [ arghh, that ugly laugh again !someday I must tell her, otherwise she is beautiful but when she laughs like that… will tell her on my last session  at the time of final bye bye] Oh you have any doubt ? You are ! A very strong ego is deep within you and in this scenario…

Me-….I found her face rubbing against my back, while I was trying to put on the tv with remote. “ call home, inform them”, she purred. “ I called, we are staying here tonight”, I said that as if we do this every now and then. “ and  Tomorrow “, was she asking me or telling me. “ No I cant, I have to be back … work”. I almost blurted out with a panic button. Why and what for I was panicked? Isnt it supposed to be what I want to do?..... well doc, am not sure about my ego, but yes I am sort of stubborn at times , I feel….

Doc- Panic, phobias, conversions, obsessions, compulsions and depressions, we call these "neurotic symptoms", are not usually caused by deficits in functions. Instead, they are caused by intrapsychic conflicts. The conflicts are generally among sexual and hostile-aggressive wishes, guilt and shame, and reality factors. Now… in your case…

Me- …I never seen outside world at 1:30 am from Shelia’s balcony. ‘she’ was sitting on a stool in the balcony. I handed over my cigarette. Took it back after her one small puff. I notice prespiration droplets on her upper lip. How I love this ‘post-bliss’ smoke….. well doc, hang on hang on please…what do you mean by reality factors? You think all I told you are figment of my imagination or fantasy? Jeez doc..

Doc- [ Damn how I hate her laugh !] Naah, Dint mean that. You do have some unconscious conflicts in you really, which might be creating all these  anxiety, depressive affect, and anger.

Me-…. ‘Her’ cell phone ringing. Its on the bedside table. “ Its Dev”.. she was so sure with her her voice. “ At this hour?” I was not at all panicked, just curious. We walked back together in bedroom. ……. Yes, doc I do get angry, depression am not so sure and anxiety ..well.. just normal work related stress, deadline ,like normal I think.

Doc- …"Isolation of affect" is the term used for the mechanism that shuts sensations out of consciousness. Essentially shut-off brain mechanisms that make you unaware of that element of conflict. "Repression" is the term given to the mechanism that shuts thoughts out of consciousness. I will give you an example….

Me-… “ yes… umm.. hmmm.. giggles… yes , we are here, don’t know yet about tomorrow. No.. oh.. had pizza ! don’t worry.. bye”. She disconnected the phone. It was Sheila from Singapore. “ she knew we would be staying at her place tonight”, I just said it aloud to myself. “ I called her before you came, thought we must tell her, its her apartment after all”, she defended her call to Sheila. Why her nicety and innocence pisses me off at times?......... errr, well doc these are all Greek to me. What I was saying…

Doc-No, you see, In patients your autonomous ego functions are more intact, but you still show problems with object relations, your diagnosis often falls into the category known as "borderline." Borderline patients also show deficits, often in controlling impulses, affects, or fantasies – but their ability to test reality remains more or less intact. So…

Me- … “ I am sleepy”, I take right side of the bed. I always take the right side of the bed, even at home. Just two pillows. I will use mine between my legs. Cant sleep without a pillow between my legs. ‘She’ went to bathroom without a word. ……. Well doc, Guess its enough for the day, errr can we have this in next session please?

Doc- umm.. hmmm, fine. [Checks her file] Thursday three pm?