"Everybody Cheats-III"

I dont know  and cant even remember now WHY I was in a real dilemma to go or not to go on Thursday to my shrink. In fact wednesday night the situation aggravated so much , not-2nite-I-got-a-headache kinda scene with my wife. I  realized I was dreading for my next visit. For no apparent reason really. This shrink is quite reputed, friendly, sexy beautiful woman[ even I tried to console myself about her unsuitable-chair, i.e. its not her fault etc] and she serves good coffee. Yes, am paying through my nose her fees every week [ in those days it was Rs.2750/= per session, which was really bleeding my pocket !] but I did console myself that its her honesty she told me upfront, "every body cheats ", so its true and she cant help it if I feel cheated by her enormous fees. Its her kind of cheating mebbe. Jeez, I am dreading, hating to visit her again and yet why the hell I am trying to defend my shrink ?? NO reason I cd find then :(

Thursday morning with red eyes I had to grope for my cell for a call at 5 AM , about half hour ago probably I had a shut eye in study room sofa. Without glasses I could not make out who is calling, but since the shrill is in ascending order and not to wake up other members  at home I answered. It was her.Very unusual. Never happens, unless she knows my wife is not at home or I call her knowing her husband is away. Even then its always a pre-rain-check over sms first and then the call happens. But this sudden direct call  almost stopped my heart. { For reader's info, on each other's cell we were entered as some obscured opposite gender 'friends'. Like I was Mansi on her cell and she was Amit Chowdhury on my cell, just  the 1st line of defense I guess }. However , "The Call" was about a meeting on Thursday itself, between 11 to one PM. Thats the only time she could manage to be out of her home. Well her hubby was outta town, kids at school then why  dont I drop in at her place? MIL ! Her mother in law came for few weeks. Since any safe decent restaurant or mall is very well known and 99% possibility of meeting common friends and/or acquaintances usually our such randesvouz was one of her spinster friend's apartment during this time of the day. This friend was considered an angel by us in those days.Shiela was born, brought up in Chicago and by default she is posted at UN office in India for 4 years. Her apartment was safe heaven and she was abso nonjudgmental-no-questions-asked kind of friend. I went there on time. Now if readers are aware of such high-end apartments, their security at the gate literally wants a photocopy of your CV while you want to go any of those apartment unless the owner identifies himself/herself the visitor. Shiela taken care of that  since we started visiting there in her absence. Known faces. But we had a pattern. Timing was almost same, between 11 to 1 PM every time. I used to reach there first and never together. She comes  within a half hour gap. We used to manipulate this apratment-reaching timing meticulously. Same while leaving. She leaves first and I follow her after half hour.

After writing this far... now while re-reading my script, I am wondering why I am being so detailed about such funny technicalities of two married people meeting and having an extra-marital affair. To be honest I dont know :( May be I am unconsciously trying to show off that though I cheated but I did it with elan and with all safe guards in place. But really I am not sure. But at times we did goof up too and almost got screwed royally by both families more than once. But thats another story, will tell some other time.

The crux:- when its all done[ the technicalities of safe guards !] we sitting on sofa in Shiela's living room side by side. Looking at each other's face. She blurted out... " Guess, its over". Stunning myself I realized right at that point of time I had a sigh of relief ! We did not discuss any of those "why" aspects. She was not caught, her husband doesnt doubt, no one trying to blackmail her, she has no regrets, no guilt. Then?

While making coffee for us in Shiela's kitchen I was told her hubby wants another baby and they are planning  it together, hinting MIL a little,making her happy etc. I congratulated her. Even teased and joked. Like any other friend would in such situation and talks. We did not finish the coffee. It was on the sofa in living room. No gory details. Just two matured adults being happy with each other, without committing any crime, withour doing a sin, without hurting a soul physically or mentally[ here.... the theory of need2know applies !], without harming the national economy and the happening on this afternoon on this large sofa wont make thousand ship sail either. Just the time stopped, world stopped turning for that time period for two persons. A Man & A Woman.Rest of the world became inconsequential, irrelevant and unimportant then.

Sukkks.. its almost 2:30 and I will be late for my appointment with my doc ! Now here is cheating within cheating kinda thing... [ damn  was I that bad ?:( ] I never told her that am visiting a shrink till then ! She came to know much later about it , how when and what followed upon her knowledge about me visiting this doc is another long story , some other time:)

She had to rush. I had to rush. She  to her kid's school to pick kids then to her home and MIL. I  to my shrink. God.. dont know how rational I would behave or talk to my doc today. Would she make out? can she know by lookng at me that just today I had.... Que sera sera . I drove carefully to my doc's place.

Notes from my diary::

Was I ever denied anything in my childhood? Is it just sex? Variety life spice etc? Harmless .. is it? How does one proves if she doesnt love me? or does she? Do I love her? F***... why I am even questioning myself or her on this? Spontaneous and honest realtionship admits errors, hesitations, and human failings; it can be tested and repaired. Idealized relationship ties us because we already intuit that it is unreal and are afraid to face this truth..... Who said this.. read somewhere..... I believe this !

Dear readers/bloggers, the Thursday session with my shrink was very interesting[ then for me it was horrendous but looking back i realize how interesting it was !] But. I extend my profuse unconditional apology to keep you waiting for that convo with the shrink till my next post :-)