"everybody cheats"

In my two decade plus married life I had the misfortune [ oh or was I the fortunate one?] to visit a marriage counsellor cum shrink. It was about seven years ago. Our marriage was shrinking, became feeble, on the verge of collapse. We survived and very stable now. Well, thats another story. The purpose of this blog is my wife who found my old diary from those Tsunami period of our lives. I did some jottings, some writings, some notes, studied some. May be that was some psychical defense mechanism working within me then to justify my frame & inclination of mind during that period.

The first apointment with this shrink [ she was a female doc] & the first convo somewhat went like this:-

Me:- sorry , am late by half hour for my appo.[ a sheepish grin n a little bow]

shrink- you wd have missed me in another five mints, I will be out of town for next three days. But you are lucky my flight is delayed.

Me- thanks doc. [ attempt for a colgate smile]

shrink- coffee?[ with left eyebrow raised]

Me- I dont mind, black, no sugar. Thanks.

[ taps hidden bell, speaks on intercom.. " do kafi lana, no milk, no sugar]

Me- [ rubbing my palms] doc, i wont go the bush-beating way, will shoot the bull's eyes...

shrink- [ no words, left eyebrow raised] waits for my next move..

Me- doc, i have cheated on my wife.

silence. the whirrrr of a/c only, she moves forward on her chair [ i still remember for some reason the chair she was sitting always made me thought it belongs to someone else. May be it was recently purchased , or since her hubby was a doc too so may be a hand-me-down from his chamber. But it dint suit her or she never suited on that chair]

kafi arrives. we were quiet. The server leaves. Door closes.

Me- doc, i have cheated on my wife [ till today i cant fathom why I had to repeat it then, may be I thought it dint register what i said earlier or the impact might have been diluted by the arrival of coffee & time lapse]

shrink-so? Everybody cheats.

At that point of time  i still remember the sense i was going thru in my mind, I just wanted to get up from my seat, hug her and kiss her. May be for the first time I thought I have someone on  "my side".

I dint do any of those, just sat quiet. elbows on the armrest, palms put together and intently looking at the table calender on her table. Her cell phone rang.. " yes.. umm, hmmm.. shiiiit... k.. cant help".

she takes up her pad, starts writing,.." i got to rush for airport. valum 5 mg alternate nights. next saturday 3 pm fine?" without my answer, she hands me over the prescription.." saturday I  have long list of people, dont be late otherwise you may miss the bus".. a twitching of her upper lip.. was it a smile? we left her chamber together. She went to airport. I went for home. bye byes.. waves from inside respective cars.

What followed next saturday and there after , I might write in next blogs but the words.. "  EVERYBODY CHEATS" kept me haunting for long time. These were the notes, jottings and lines from my diary which my wife read them all[ after years]::-

Crueslest lies are always told in silence.People who are brutally honest enjoy the brutal part more than their honesty.Betrayal can only happen when you love. But why me? Who decides right or wrong? Me? She? others? Why should.. Why the F*** should I take other's opinion? Why  the F*** do I need to justify my every action or reaction to others??

Jeez.. I am tired and have to log off now. Ok folks.. after writing this much I sense mebe this gonna be a series sort of. But I gotto, i want to write this all, for myself to myself :)